I am messed up. I couldn't think properly. I am not sure if I am doing something unethical. I am not sure if I am going to hurt anyone. But for once again, I know I am being selfish undoubtedly.

:(

I miss you. It is that simple. No one will ever know how much I miss your companionship. No one will ever expect the extent that I am thinking about you, including myself. I have definitely underestimated things. I wish you were here all the times. I wish I could do anything to see you just once more. I wish I could tell you everything in my life like how I did before bedtime when you were here. I wish I can hold on the phone with you for hours without saying a word. In the mean time, I clearly know that I am not going to see you again in the rest of my life.

Contacts have gotten so little and I totally don't get to speak to you properly in a few weeks. However I know this inevitable and it's also doing something for my own good. After all there is nothing much we could converse about - I don't want to know what is going on with your life of you and your loved one there. In the meantime, I don't think you are interested to know what is up with me.

I feel like I am constantly getting sympathetic care.

I tried to go out with someone else - which I thought it might be a good way to distract me from focusing too much on you. However, I have realised how naive I was because everything just reminded me so much about you. Things that we have done together. Dishes we have cooked together. Movies we have watched together. Restaurants we have gone together. Late working nights that I have waited you aimlessly in the office. I couldn't imagine how lucky I was when you were here. I didn't realise how genuinely happy I was then.

Now that you are back with her. To you, I am nothing. In fact, I am never something. No one knows how much this hurts. People will just tell me that it's not worthwhile and because I want to appear to be happy - they believe so. They believe I have recovered and is all cheerful again like my own-self.

I know I am not. I know I will never be.

I am not even asking for joy. I just want to get to sleep calmly. I just want to be able to sleep for a decent number of hours. I just want to be myself. Nonetheless, it seems like the most difficult and toughest mission ever that I can accomplish now.

Have you ever thought about me, once? I know nothing matters anymore but that is the only thing I can ask for....I hope everything is going well with you and I am sure they will - with her by your side.

The only thing to make myself to feel a little bit better sometimes - at least I know you are happy now.